Self Inflicted for my Wholeness missing

                                                   


 (Author's note: This is an older poem. Reader's discretion is advised.)
                                                                         
I promised my subconscious that I wouldn't write a poem about you because it'll make it too real since I've always had a hard time acknowledging the deep things that I feel. I often find myself wanting to travel to the deepest parts of the hidden hollows of your mind, but you won't let me or maybe your just too inclined to comply.

Just when I think we're getting closer you'd fade further back into your cocoon until I'm left wondering if I'd only imagined you, but my swollen lips confirm that maybe just maybe you were mine for a moment. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I only want the idea of you because vulnerability is not a familiarly feeling that I'm used to, but I feel like in the beginning I used to be you.

Now, maybe it's my karma for not allowing myself fall sooner when you'd pour your heart out to me, but you said you'd be patient and still I can't help, but to feel like I'm losing- you. We'd often let our secrets dance together while our shadows spoke foreign languages and painted the most malignant images across bed sheets that used to comfort me.

Something feels different now and your kisses aren't the same. Baby see your kisses used to be my kryptonite. They had me in such a trance all I saw was colors at night. I don't feel the flick of your tongue across my bottom lip that once made energy surge between my thighs and my temperature rise. I no longer feel that hunger louder than thunder.

Self inflicted for my wholeness missing. Even still as much as I like to seclude, I still want you around so I try to stay content with these 2am rendezvous. Shadows floating slowly across unknown walls that I may never see during the daytime as we tip toe in and I try to be careful not to breathe, sneeze, or make a sound. This began in my apartment and now as I tiptoe through your grandmothers I begin to realize how lost I got. As I sit on your bed, I attempt to write my name in the most elaborate french script on your private parts. Consume you so good that when the next girl comes you'll always remember who the best girl was. I keep going so you'll forever remember my name and never be able to get head the same way again.

Self inflicted for my wholeness missing. I lay on your bed as you captivate my hidden gem as we act out this forbidden sin, as I accumulate insecurities that Sunday service couldn't possibly mend. I'd later need hours and hours of devotion to take away everything that I allowed in to make me bend. Secretly I curse you out in my head for turning me into this girl. The girl I swore I never wanted to be. Side door late at night, traveling far to suck you right. I curse myself because there's so many things I'd rather ask than lay back and let you taste me without a climax sensation in my rotation. Heavy breathing burning steaming. As you lay me down to sleep, I pray my soul stops haunting me. I pray the urges stop calling me as this hollow ground tries to bury me.

Maybe I put so much thought into you because I felt like I didn't have much to lose or maybe I do because I actually opened up to you. I stopped waiting for God's provision and meanwhile I was the only thing that was left missing. I always thought I was good enough to take on dates, but lately it doesn't seem to feel that way. Your the only man that I allowed to make me feel that way and when I'd ask you why you'd only have excuses left to say.

I'd stare at the ceiling as your tongue of lies explored me. I was careful to ask questions that would lead to no penatration because that was a part of myself that I was saving. While we've known each other for quite awhile, I can't help but to think of all the things about you that I still don't know. I can't be mad because we were never soul mates them demons just knew other. Tongue kiss the scars while we blew each other. Combined our souls like they knew each other. Whispered back and forth turning into another.

Self inflicted for my wholeness missing. I kissed your scars while you made my wounds deeper. I always knew better, but my mind and body had a habit of trying to tether between logic and a sensation that I was chasing. Sometimes I don't even know what I was craving, but there was something about you and I made the mistake of letting my inner demons dance with you.