Hey, but I'm not lonely.
Hey, but I'm not lonely.
As it comes upon 5 months shy of being two years celibate, I smile in excitement. I keep joking with my friends about how I want a celibaversary party/sleepover where I serve non alcoholic virgin cocktails. Oh yea I made that word up(don't judge me), but I feel like it's something worth celebrating as I wait for my husband.
A few of my friends may roll their eyes and even you reading this, but I don't care. Sure I might've not been sexually active that long, but it was long enough for me to settle and forget my worth. My mother was married a virgin and while that is wonderful, a little thing in the back of my mind told me I didn't want to wait as long as she did. When I look back I realize that I wasn't trusting God's promise for my life. My mother was the blue print for who I should've been at times, but I rebelled so much against being like her that I did everything in my power to be the opposite. If she was sweet than I was mean. It sounds silly now, but I look back at the lost girl who was hurting and see how she tried to give everyone a reason not to love her. I have come to appreciate everyone who stuck around until I came back to my core because I'll admit I wasn't easy to love.
My love was complicated and that's not even speaking romantically. I solute the people who stuck around because sometimes I'd try to push to see how far I could push you until you'd leave. My heart was broken because the love I grew up knowing was lost involuntarily. Death isn't something easy to deal with and when people who I knew my whole life disappeared without dying it did something to me. I used to live by the motto that everyone was guilty till proven innocent. I was so quick to throw away even meaningful friendships because I couldn't take people loving me. I didn't know how to accept love even though I could give a lot of it.
Fast forward to when I starting dating briefly, I purposely entertained guys who I saw no future with. The guy who I actually talked to on and off for over 2 years was the definition of everything I didn't want, but I kept him around for comfort. I could remember feeling awkward as I let him spend the night and he wanted to hold me. I was so emotionally detached that it felt so weird for a man to want that with me. This was in the beginning of our situation and even though he wasn't successful in taking my virginity the night before, he wanted to spend the night with me. That was the first and last time I allowed a man to spend the night. Sure this is a cute moment to remember, but as cute as he could be at times he had more disappearing acts than Houdini. It was almost as if he wanted me to fall for him and purposely sabotage it at the same time.
During our time on and off talking to each other I can honestly say I was never in love with him although I found myself liking him from time to time. I can't even define what we were doing and that is why it was the prime example of a situation-ship. He would pour out his feelings, but never follow through and I attempted to protect myself by keeping my heart out of the equation. Eventually, I grew tired of the cycle because even when I'd offer my friendship it was taken for granted. I'll forever be grateful to that situation because it reminded me of my worth.
Even though I've been in church my whole life as I now get closer to God and gain a better relationship, I think about how I treated God how the guy used to treat me. God was always here for me, but I was inconsistent. The more God tried to be there for me I pulled away from him until he had to take away all my back up plans a get me vulnerable. Do you find yourself treating God like people treat you sometimes? I find myself apologizing in prayer because our father was the peace that I was missing in my life.
God calmed my waves of thoughts and depression while meeting where I was. I hang out with less people, but I've never felt more happy and at peace than I am now. I believe that's the definition of being complete and whole. God fills me up so much that I overflow with love. Even when I have my bad days, he's still there and he comforts me.
I look forward to the day when I have a husband, but the beauty of this moment is that I'm not pressed to get him. Even if I never get married, I'm content with just having God because he's more than enough. I know his promise so I don't doubt that he has someone for me, but overall I am trusting God to bring me the man who compliments me and who is my helpmate.
Knowing that God has a future far brighter than anything that I've planned for myself is exciting. I'm not lonely and it feels good to know that I am waiting for marriage now especially because there was a time when I gave up hope. The next time will mean more than just getting it out of the way so guys won't avoid me. I'm so sure of myself that I wouldn't even be hurt if a guy stopped talking to me because I didn't give it up. I trust God's plan and process.
The walk with celibacy is difficult and I've fallen short masturbating a couple of times in this walk, but I realize that I'm not perfect. One thing I can't do is have sex again before I am married and that's something that I can't rationalize because I owe it to myself, but more than that I owe it to God to honor my marriage in that way. Someone will believe I'm worth getting to know and my wait will be worth it. As Valentine's Day approaches with not a love interest in rotation, I still feel complete knowing that God has me covered in that department. I don't have to look or search for what he has promised me and I find comfort in knowing that. If you find yourself single than a dolla bill around this time of year know that you are alone, but never lonely. God has your help mate in mind and they will come at the right time. Stop looking and peeking because the provisions have already been made for you. Your past doesn't disqualify you from God's blessings.
I found this dope prayer from the You Version bible app that I'd think you'd enjoy. (Dating with Purpose plan)
Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. Let me be a living sacrifice, salt, and light. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness as I seek first the kingdom of heaven. --Amen
Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal.
As it comes upon 5 months shy of being two years celibate, I smile in excitement. I keep joking with my friends about how I want a celibaversary party/sleepover where I serve non alcoholic virgin cocktails. Oh yea I made that word up(don't judge me), but I feel like it's something worth celebrating as I wait for my husband.
A few of my friends may roll their eyes and even you reading this, but I don't care. Sure I might've not been sexually active that long, but it was long enough for me to settle and forget my worth. My mother was married a virgin and while that is wonderful, a little thing in the back of my mind told me I didn't want to wait as long as she did. When I look back I realize that I wasn't trusting God's promise for my life. My mother was the blue print for who I should've been at times, but I rebelled so much against being like her that I did everything in my power to be the opposite. If she was sweet than I was mean. It sounds silly now, but I look back at the lost girl who was hurting and see how she tried to give everyone a reason not to love her. I have come to appreciate everyone who stuck around until I came back to my core because I'll admit I wasn't easy to love.
My love was complicated and that's not even speaking romantically. I solute the people who stuck around because sometimes I'd try to push to see how far I could push you until you'd leave. My heart was broken because the love I grew up knowing was lost involuntarily. Death isn't something easy to deal with and when people who I knew my whole life disappeared without dying it did something to me. I used to live by the motto that everyone was guilty till proven innocent. I was so quick to throw away even meaningful friendships because I couldn't take people loving me. I didn't know how to accept love even though I could give a lot of it.
Fast forward to when I starting dating briefly, I purposely entertained guys who I saw no future with. The guy who I actually talked to on and off for over 2 years was the definition of everything I didn't want, but I kept him around for comfort. I could remember feeling awkward as I let him spend the night and he wanted to hold me. I was so emotionally detached that it felt so weird for a man to want that with me. This was in the beginning of our situation and even though he wasn't successful in taking my virginity the night before, he wanted to spend the night with me. That was the first and last time I allowed a man to spend the night. Sure this is a cute moment to remember, but as cute as he could be at times he had more disappearing acts than Houdini. It was almost as if he wanted me to fall for him and purposely sabotage it at the same time.
During our time on and off talking to each other I can honestly say I was never in love with him although I found myself liking him from time to time. I can't even define what we were doing and that is why it was the prime example of a situation-ship. He would pour out his feelings, but never follow through and I attempted to protect myself by keeping my heart out of the equation. Eventually, I grew tired of the cycle because even when I'd offer my friendship it was taken for granted. I'll forever be grateful to that situation because it reminded me of my worth.
Even though I've been in church my whole life as I now get closer to God and gain a better relationship, I think about how I treated God how the guy used to treat me. God was always here for me, but I was inconsistent. The more God tried to be there for me I pulled away from him until he had to take away all my back up plans a get me vulnerable. Do you find yourself treating God like people treat you sometimes? I find myself apologizing in prayer because our father was the peace that I was missing in my life.
God calmed my waves of thoughts and depression while meeting where I was. I hang out with less people, but I've never felt more happy and at peace than I am now. I believe that's the definition of being complete and whole. God fills me up so much that I overflow with love. Even when I have my bad days, he's still there and he comforts me.
I look forward to the day when I have a husband, but the beauty of this moment is that I'm not pressed to get him. Even if I never get married, I'm content with just having God because he's more than enough. I know his promise so I don't doubt that he has someone for me, but overall I am trusting God to bring me the man who compliments me and who is my helpmate.
Knowing that God has a future far brighter than anything that I've planned for myself is exciting. I'm not lonely and it feels good to know that I am waiting for marriage now especially because there was a time when I gave up hope. The next time will mean more than just getting it out of the way so guys won't avoid me. I'm so sure of myself that I wouldn't even be hurt if a guy stopped talking to me because I didn't give it up. I trust God's plan and process.
The walk with celibacy is difficult and I've fallen short masturbating a couple of times in this walk, but I realize that I'm not perfect. One thing I can't do is have sex again before I am married and that's something that I can't rationalize because I owe it to myself, but more than that I owe it to God to honor my marriage in that way. Someone will believe I'm worth getting to know and my wait will be worth it. As Valentine's Day approaches with not a love interest in rotation, I still feel complete knowing that God has me covered in that department. I don't have to look or search for what he has promised me and I find comfort in knowing that. If you find yourself single than a dolla bill around this time of year know that you are alone, but never lonely. God has your help mate in mind and they will come at the right time. Stop looking and peeking because the provisions have already been made for you. Your past doesn't disqualify you from God's blessings.
I found this dope prayer from the You Version bible app that I'd think you'd enjoy. (Dating with Purpose plan)
Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. Let me be a living sacrifice, salt, and light. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness as I seek first the kingdom of heaven. --Amen
Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal.
Comments
Post a Comment