Growing up Christian- Part 1: Let's meet in the middle.

First Book is Free forever because King Jesus died for me and I just want people to heal which I hope you do from the post. Please go back to church. Follow your heart and you’ll find the right place for you. God is everywhere. https://adeeperdivewithkey.wixsite.com/mysite-1/shop

Less than two years ago, I can remember cruising down the highway with my friend. As he drove, Tonex's melodic voice soothingly poured out the speakers as "Make me over" plays for the second time. I couldn't shake the heaviness I felt as I observed the discomfort on his face as he sung the words with anguish. During our 20 minute car ride, he opens up about how conflicted he's always felt being gay growing up Christian. As he began to speak, it takes me back to the many sermons I've heard with pastor's angrily casting out the "spirit of homosexuality" during service. They wonder why millennials stopped going to church and this moment alone made it clear to me because religion shouldn't make you feel like my friend. So many people have turned church into a place of exclusion rather than a sanctuary of love which has lead to the decline of the millennial attendance in church. Religion shouldn't make you feel ashamed of who you are or inadequate and the reason that so many young people have stopped going to church is because that's what most religion has become over time. As I got older and developed a personal relationship with Christ, Christianity stopped being a chore and became a way of life.

Growing up, I always feared three things: death, sex, and going to hell. As a child, it always seemed like the last two were synonymous with each other. It wasn't until this year, that my fear of death was completely diminished altogether through my growing personal relationship with Jesus. Maybe it was all the talks about "the fiery furnace" during church services as a child that lead to the ongoing phobia. Even with past suicidal thoughts, the fear of hell seemed to always have a way of haunting me and the thought of something far worst than my current disposition at the time waiting for me in death frightened me. As I began to read the bible more for myself, I've found that some religious folk combine some of their own beliefs with the word of God.  

As for sex, I can remember only having a brief sex talk with my mom when I was around 6 or 7 about what I thought sex meant. My mother asked me if I knew what sex was and I told that her yes. She proceeded to ask me to tell her and I told her timidly said that it was when "a boy sticks his stuff in a girl's privacy". There were no real clarifications or discussions in depth as I got older aside her telling me that the first time hurts. As puberty hit, I struggled to grasp my sexual feelings. As conflicted as my friend felt with his sexuality, I could remember feeling a similar way even with masturbation because at the time when I began most of my friends claimed they'd never masturbated before so I felt like the oddball out. Masturbation was something that was exposed to me very early by a cousin who recently admitted this year that she was being molested at the time. To this day, I can still vividly remember us getting caught on the side of my aunt's bed touching ourselves oblivious to what we were doing. Long after being caught for the first time, the same thing that was introduced to me became something I battled with. As we laid on the floor next to each other, we discovered masturbation together just like we'd discovered many things growing up being so close in age.  Growing up in a Christian household never talking about this often made me feel dirty every time after I masturbated. From squeezing my legs tightly around a pillow in the beginning to using my hand and eventually using the water pressure in our jacuzzi bathtub, I was quickly addicted to the sensation that it gave me. I can even remember throwing away my first vibrator in college after using it once because I felt awkward and ashamed afterwards.

Sometimes it feels like so many Christian parents would rather not talk to us about sex than properly educate us. Sex is more than just abstinence and there should be more conversations instead of avoidance. I had to cover my eyes during PG 13 sex scenes even as an early teen, while my close cousins who grew up in a less religious household had been able to watch rated R films since Elementary. In middle school, kids at my school raved about the latest movie "Soul Plane" at the time while I wasn't allowed to watch it because of the cursing and bathroom sex scene. Don't get me wrong my mother was a great parent and we had a pretty close relationship, but her parenting skills were filled with more sheltering out of fear than discussion. My mother's way of hiding sex from me was what ultimately lead to me watching so much HBO and Showtime soft porn at such a young age and being fascinated with watching what was always hidden from me. I often felt like my mom assumed that by her trying to lead by example with staying a virgin till she got married that it would ultimately make me want to do the same, but it was the total opposite. The reason I both waited and lost it stemmed from fear.

My mother was in her early 30s when she married my father and I could remember always fearing that I'd either never get married or be older than her when I finally found someone to settle down with. To be quite honest, there were times when I thought that I wouldn't live to see 25 so waiting for something that I wasn't even sure I'd get a chance to do wasn't a hopeful dream to me. I didn't have my first date and kiss till I was 21. A little over a year later, I finally got tired of hoping about a love that I'd never known and lost it to some random guy that I'd barely knew. Maybe the conversations that I felt I was denied would've came around at 16, but I guess we'll never know.

When it came to sex I was always afraid because my religion taught that me that sex before marriage was a sin, but eventually I got tired of living in fear. As a child the fear of sinning in any way had a way of making me feel like I would go to hell. I can remember being so scared of going to hell the night my mom's friend's daughter tried to molest me. The more she tried to convince me to do things with her, the more I began to cry pleading for her not to make me because I didn't want to. She eventually stopped her advances after many failed attempts that night. Years later, at 19 years old I felt a similar feeling of shame and disgust with myself after having my first and only same sex encounter while at a friend's house on a drunken night. Even in my drunken state, I was still very aware of my actions. The liquid courage only enabled me to build up the nerve to go through with it. 

Each time I've fallen short in the past, I have discovered something new about myself. Without losing my virginity at 22, I wouldn't have realized the importance of waiting or found such strength in my walk with celibacy for 2+ years and counting. Having friends who made my lack of dating and sexual experience as a young adult seem like a death sentence helped me to be able to not only be an example through my walk, but also be the person who could encourage older virgins who were waiting till marriage. Instead of simply telling them how "bad the first time" is like my friends and repeating the same scripture that they've probably heard all their lives, I am able to connect further. It was easier for me to judge a person who lived an alternative lifestyle than my own before I had that experience when I was 19. Having friends that struggled with balancing their sexuality and faith also opened my eyes in order to become more accepting. Loving someone who happens to be the same sex as you doesn't mean you're a bad person and as Christians none of us have the right to make a person feel as such because we have no right to judge anyone. I have a friend who'd never even considered herself to be gay until she fell in love with her girlfriend. A lot of her family judged her, but I was able to talk with her and let her know God still loves her regardless of who she chose to love.

Being able to take the vail off and love past gender lines is admirable because that means being able see the soul of another more than their exterior. I believe God loves all his children regardless of who they love or if they make mistakes. Jesus isn't like most people who turn their back on you when you fall short. Each day he gives us a chance to be the best we can. Neither church or religion should make you afraid to live life because even within the bible it shows us that God is able  to use the person that most deem as unworthy.

Throughout time, many religions have been created as a way to relate to God. Sin can defined as just falling short or missing the mark that was set as the standard by God. We all fall short at times and miss the mark sometimes. So many times with religion we tend to focus on sin more than the overall theme of God's holy word which is Love. With reading the word for myself I've come to know that the bible is far greater than what is just repeatedly preached by the masses. The bible is an instructional handbook on living our best life and becoming the best person we can be. Preaching on one sin more than another doesn't not make one better or worst. There's this ongoing debate about sexuality amongst religion because of the few scriptures in the bible condemning it. Much more than sin, the bible teaches us about love and overcoming. Jesus is the best example of God's unwavering love for humanity because he was sent down from heaven to save us and die for our sins. Jesus laid down his life so that we could still have eternal life through him even when we miss the mark. Instead of so many of us being judgmental, we should be more open and spread the good news of Jesus Christ.

What I've come to realize, upon doing further research on different religions is that many of the main ones derived from one sacred text. The thing that I know more than anything is that we are all in someways just looking to relate and find meaning while on this earth. Sometimes we get so focused on judging a person because we can't understand their differences rather than starting from a place of love. Instead of trying to change someone to believe in what you do, try simply meeting them where they are and respecting them as people. God is the balance between good and evil so simply meet people in the middle and accept them for who they are whether you agree with how they live or not. You have the choice as to whether you'd like to be in their space after you know who they are as a person. I believe if we used this same method of thinking in regards to the current climate that we're in, we'd be able to see more positive change instead of negativity.