I only got three pills left

September 4, 2015
I won't make any apologies for what I've done, I'm weak and I'm tired of being strong. I'm sick of being tired. I'm tired of being alone and being stuck in a world where failure and hopelessness comes from every end. I was naive to believe I found happiness because once again I'm stuck in a place that I can't escape. I just want peace and I don't think this universe can provide that for me. Sometimes I wonder why people believe in me more than I believe in myself or why I've always felt different, but maybe I'm just another statistic. There's no cure for a broken heart and I don't have the strength to keep looking or trying to find the answer to this mystery. I don't want to write individual notes because the memories might hinder my decision. It's been real, but I'm over this.


About a year and 3 weeks ago I wrote this suicide note prepared to overdose on pills, but ironically when I went to the bottle there were only three pills left. Well ain't that a bitch? So I just went to sleep hungry and pissed off because I didn't even have enough money to commit suicide the way I wanted. I ran out of pain killers and couldn't even afford to buy any sleeping pills to get the job done. That day I decided to stop thinking about ending my life. Obviously God wasn't letting me go out without a fight since there has always been something there to save me. Previously I had almost died three times. When I was a baby I used to have bad seizures that nearly killed me. Then at 8 years old an older boy that used to molest me tried to drown me at summer day camp. Again, I almost died. When I was about 15 I took about a handful of pills because I had such a bad headache, but my mom's friend caught me and made me throw them up. 3 times prior I should've died and then on my last try I only had three pills left.

They say if you want to make God laugh, then let him know what you have planned. I've always tried to rush my greatness, but he kept taking his time molding me into the person he wanted me to become. At this very moment life is actually a little harder, but ironically I don't have those thoughts anymore. I've been living house to house and hotel to couch for just about all of 2016, but I've never felt stronger or better. No matter how hard this road is or the demons you are battling, you still got three pills left. There's hope even when you feel too broken and hopeless to go on. Lately everyone keeps telling me to pace myself and honestly it's so difficult to listen when you have so many big realities like me. I had to stop calling them dreams because I didn't want them to get stuck there. I also had to stop thinking about the future because the future can be intangible if you let it. We're so conditioned to think about what we want to do or be in the future instead of figuring out what we want to do in the Now. Have the big picture and enjoy the now. Embrace the struggle because trouble doesn't last always. ❤️