Love thoughts

No man has ever given me anything, but a card and mixed signals. It's 12:18 am and I have to be up for work in a few hours, but on a good note I get to work from my bed so that's always great I guess. I never really believed in love, but I always held out hope that if it ever came close enough within my grasp it would be the purest form of it. I had dreams of a pure love that was coachable to my sometimes hard and heavy heart. Maybe I should have rephrased the previous sentence to I used to think a man could never love me growing up.

I grew up thinking my love was tainted because I felt like maybe I was too complicated. When I say complicated I don't mean me being crazy and OD emotional, but I think romantic emotions have always been scary to me because I've been through a lot in my life. I always had a habit of going into things toes slow like I was getting ready to swim because disappointment wasn't something that I liked to deal with. The first time a man told me he liked me I asked him why. My heart was so guarded and my walls were up so how could he still like me? I later found his like was more complicated than the tainted love that I'd been hiding away so I was grateful not to allow myself to fall for him. I was more so comfortable in our situation because I knew better than to fall in love with him. The moment I felt myself even attempt to fall for him he'd do something to reconfirm why I shouldn't and I couldn't.

I started off being super affectionate as a child to feeling awkward when people hugged me as an adult. The first time a man held me during the night I remember thinking to myself this is so f#%*ing awkward. Excuse my language, but that was exactly what came to mind. He entangled his legs within my own and held me close while I stayed frozen into place not knowing how to react as I timidly embraced him back. It was hot night and I so desperately wanted to turn over in a corner while wrapping the cover around me. He asked to spend the night so he could cuddle with me and I'd never cuddled before so I was hesitant to comply. After all, this was unfamiliar territory.

At 24 years old I can say I've never been on a real date, but I hope my future husband will take me on dates to the bookstore and get lost in crisp pages with me. I hope he surprises me with green tea and Barnes & Nobles gift cards because I hate flowers since the remind me of funerals. I love the way they look, but my distaste of them stems from a smell that brings back memories of the worst days of my life. I hope he's patient because I've never been in love with anyone before and I may run at first because I'm not used to mutual feelings, but I promise not to give him too hard of a time. As much as this retired tomboy acts tough, I think about having a house full of babies and a love that's so corny that people get uncomfortable around our affection. I have dreams of being that old couple that can't keep their hands to themselves after 50 years of marriage. I always told God that I didn't want to kiss a million frogs so maybe he's saving my first real relationship for my only relationship since I always had dreams of my first boyfriend being my husband. Even still, I hope the man of my dreams never calls me his girlfriend because I've waited long enough to only have the title of wife. I'm not high maintenance, but I realize that I'm good enough to take on dates. Our growing love won't have to be defined and when the time is right after our friendship has bloomed he'll just propose because he'll know that I could never be in the same category as his past girlfriends.

Even still, I can honestly say that I'm not lonely, but I am finally hopeful for the first time since I was young. When my bestfriend used to make comments like "Girl you need a man" I'll admit I felt ways in the past. I felt a way because after seeing so many of my friends hop from relationship to relationship, I didn't think my life deserved the same fate. I always felt like I'd naturally just attract my husband when the time was right instead of constantly falling for the wrong one with blind fantasies of that wrong one being the right one. I've never been the one to think that a man could complete me. She says I should go out more, but I don't want to look for love because it's something that should come when it's ready. I'm trusting God with the provisions of my love life. I always thought I would be somewhere one day and he'd find me. That may be a little hard now since I rarely leave the house besides church and the grocery store, but I've always felt that way. My little sister used to say she wanted me to have a man because she wanted someone to love me and go hard for me like I do my friends. I thought it was cute because she was always in love with some boy and she secretly just wished I'd do the same. I've always respected her free spirit when it came to love, but sometimes I just wished she loved herself just as much as she loved these men and boys. As she'd often wish for me to find true love, I'd be hoping that she'd eventually realize that I already had it within myself.

It pains me to see her replace people with people and over compensate with men because she has never been loved properly. She allows and accepts disfunction because that's what she's used to and I feel like that goes for a lot of women in my generation. A lot of young ladies in the millennial generation didn't have the kind of father that I had growing up. They didn't have that example of a man that is loving, strong, and consistent at the same time. I remember my dad being the gentle giant. He was a quiet man, but when he did art and music his personality came alive. My father had that silent swagger that didn't need to be announced when he walked into a room. He was the balance and the shift of energy. Larry McDowell was the definition of how a King should act. My dad provided for his family, but my mother was his helpmate and together they created black excellence. They'd write music together and even perform together because their spirits aligned and their passions were divine. We need more love like theirs to be examples for my generation because the broken home is what has created a generation of young girls chasing after men more than they chase their dreams. My love thoughts are of a love that creates healing and restoration from things that have been lost along the years. The respect amongst women and men should be restored because the brokenness has created a generation of hurt people who continue the ongoing cycle of hurting other people.