"I'm sorry for your loss" Encouragement for those hurting and advice for those trying to comfort

Grief doesn't have a time limit and to be honest I don't think it truly ever goes away, but eventually you find a way to exist in a world without the people you love. Don't let anyone tell you how long you are allowed to take because sorrow sometimes comes in waves. The psunami of your tears will seem like a reoccurring tragedy at times. Sometimes you may even wonder how your tearducks  haven't dried up from all the salt water streams pouring out from what seems like an eternal faucet of your misery. The best thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge your pain. It hurts like hell, but it's worth it.

Some people feel like if they don't acknowledge it then it doesn't exist. That was my coping mechanism in the past. The thing is, even when you ignore your grief that doesn't stop it from being there. Ignoring it only allows it to build until a volcano of pain errupts from within you at the worst moments without your permission.

The best grieving advice I got was from my Aunt Carolynn last year when I experienced a death in my family. She reminded me of how God only lends us our loved ones for a short period of time. In essence we are merely borrowing them for a moment, but eventually we have to give them back because they weren't ours to begin with.

As human beings we have a habit of trying to possess ownership over others. Nobody belongs to anyone, but God. We are all on assignments. Once we have fully completed our assignments/purpose, we have to return back to where we came. Whether it's dying and ascending beyond or just moving on in life, the seasons of life can shift our positions at any time. Although it hurts to let someone go, we should rejoice in knowing that their destiny's have been fullfilled. Whether we believed they had more to do is not up to us to decide. Accepting the blessing of the time we had with people and the lessons they taught us is what matters the most. In all essence we are just travelers sometimes visiting with some longer than others.

Last year, when I lost a loved one it reopened old wounds from my mother's death that unbeknownst to me I hadn't fully dealt with. The news of the loss hit me like a ton of bricks because within an instant, I was that 15 year old again trying to plan her mother's funeral with such much chaos surrounding me. The thing that I did different this time, however, was give myself permission to grieve. Not just for the new person I loss, but I allowed myself to really grieve my mother for the first time.

No matter how much people tried to pull and pull from me, this situation taught me how to create boundaries. If people began requiring more than I was comfortable being involved with, then I had to take a stand and put my feelings first. Never allow people to force you to do more than you are comfortable with doing. During times of loss, sometimes you may find yourself pulled into so many different directions. Give yourself permission to process in your own way and find a moment to breathe.

It is okay to turn off your phone when the calls become too much to bare. Some people don't realize that people who are grieving need a moment alone to process and gather their thoughts instead of being bombarded by broken records of repeated "I'm sorry's". If you know someone has lost someone, be patient with them and allow them time to grieve. Before opening your mouth to say how "sorry" you are, simply try letting them know you're there instead. Check in on your loved ones after giving them an appropriate amount of space is crucial. Allow people the first couple of days to themselves before checking in because the reality of the loss alone is already overwhelming enough. If you must reach out a simple "Hey just want you to know I'm here for you" suffices. Hold the "I'm so sorry".

There's also this custom of only checking in during the first week or two and although life moves on, letting someone who is hurting know that you are still holding space for them does mean a lot. Checking on people months later shows you care and helps comfort when the crowd has disappear. Most of all just selflessly be a listening ear when you can. Nobody expects you to say all the right things. Being a listening ear doesn't have to be an everyday thing, but listening and being a shoulder from time to time does help. People just want to feel like they still have people in their corner after suffering from loss. I pray this post brings comfort to those hurting and also help others that are new to loss get some insight on how to comfort grieving loved ones.