You tired yet?

As I continue my journey to wholeness, I've rediscovered some areas of brokenness that I've overlooked throughout the years. One in particular was my habit of running to avoid conflict. I tried to convince myself that my avoidance was somehow good for me. The deeper I looked, the more I began to notice this habit within jobs, friendships, and even relationships with family.

Getting to the bottom of this, I finally asked myself the same question that a pastor at this Christian bookstore asked me about a year ago. Aren't you tired of running? Sometimes hurt has the ability to cloud your vision to the point that you mistake your own will for God's will. I've learned that just because it's easier doesn't mean it's what's best for you.

I thought by coming to Atlanta, I could just forget my life in California and start all the way over. What I've come to realize is that sometimes when life is calling for you to start over, the real starting over is just reframing your gaze. The REAL starting over happened to me internally and I developed a fresh outlook on things that I used to take for granted.

The more I traveled this year and last year, the more I began to realize how much I isolated myself. Even when I got the things that I used to think I wanted, there was still an unhappiness and void within to the point that I couldn't even seem to enjoy what I once prayed for. I've made a decision to stop running and I'm going to take you guys on this journey with me. I'm going back to California with only $2.02 , but as scary as it sounds I'm not afraid.

I don't want second best for my life and although I'm sure I could build a great life in Atlanta, I doubt I would ever be completely satisfied here. Me giving away just about everything I owned last year was a way to release my attachment to material possessions. Everything that I lost can be replaced other than many of the photos/videos I left behind. Regardless, I still have the most important memories I choose to keep in my heart.

From the outside looking in it may look like I'm going backwards and starting over far worse than I began, but during the 8+ months away there was a fire reignited within. An appreciation for my wonderful state has been developed and I now know where I want to be. Sure the housing is cheaper here and I could probably be a home owner quicker, but I relish in the hardwork that it takes to get exactly what I want. I will not settle for second best just for the sake of doing it. I will not let hurt or pain drive me away again. In a way it's almost like starting over in a new city even though Los Angeles is my hometown because many of the people I've known are no longer in my life. Nevertheless, the most important person I've ever known is still in my corner (Jesus).

I'm starting to appreciate the process of starting over because that process is what builds character. Don't be afraid to begin again. Are you running from something? Aren't you tired? Release your doubts and fears because the moment you do, the things that once looked so big tend to become miniscule in comparison to what they once seemed. I'm doing everything that makes me afraid and releasing my pride in order to get everything in this world that I deserve and I pray you guys do the same.