It's U N C O M F O R T A B L E

It's uncomfortable and I don't really know how I'm feeling. I don't really know how I'm healing, but I'm here. Lately I've been in such a rut and I don't know what's down or up. I'm waiting for the ball to drop and it doesn't. I've been longing to write, but sometimes I just don't know how to fight. It seems like I've been fighting for my dreams a long time now. I thought I saw a glimmer of hope, but at this point I don't really know since I don't have much to show other than positivity and smiles.

The last two days I've been sleeping my days away. Maybe this is that moment when purpose and destiny starts to merge with reality. It's that brief moment without gravity and it's like you're just lost in limbo because your mind is delayed on the info. I'm still hopeful because I never want to start thinking about if I don't get there. My vision is so clear and it feels like it's almost near. I can feel the world shifting, but I can't see anything. I'm getting anxiety and I've been over eating again. My soul is tired and I've started also over sleeping again. It's only been two weeks, but I refuse to stay in this rut because I've had enough.

I can't let everyone who said I was the one be wrong. I can't shake the feelings of making it. It's these dreams and I feel like sometimes I struggle chasing it. I'm constantly running and racing it. I'm constantly praying. Sometimes I feel like God purposely delays my timeline to keep me humble or at least that's what I tell myself to keep me numb though. I fell off with reading my bible the last few weeks and I'll admit I feel a little lost. Have you ever just wanted success so bad that you could literally taste it? Have you ever struggled so much that you feel like you owe it to yourself to make it? I don't want to just do life and feel like I'm just wasting it.

I'm just really uncomfortable and they say God gets you this way before a shift. It's like I woke up one day and God was whispering in my ear reminding who I was. Now that I know who I am I can't continue to just live this life the way I was. I tell myself everyday that I'm a CEO and not employee. Sometimes I order expensive take out because I know one day I won't have to live on such a strict budget that I have to worry about if that was money I was just wasting.  I'm not dating, but lately I've been buying me some cute date night outfits because I know I'm worthy of being taken on dates and soon someone else will start to feel the same way. I'm 24 and I've never really been on a real date. I guess I'm a late bloomer, but honestly only society really feels that way. I'm open to love now and I told God he can tell my husband to come, but even still I know I'm not in a rush now.

I had a dream about my cup overflowing and me pouring into even the people who have once looked down on me. The same ones who looked down with a frown on me. I found myself about a few weeks back not being able to sleep during the middle of the night. My mind felt so cloudy and heavy. I talk about this in a previous post, but I feel like God was telling me to clear out my place and make room. I found myself giving away the expensive heels that I purchased for myself when I was 19. Those shoes were from a time when I had some racks in my bank account and I used to think I was flying. Still, I didn't get too crazy with spending so when I say expensive I'm referring to $200 because some of my shoes growing didn't cost more than $20. I notice now at that time in my life I had so many people around for the wrong reasons and God was teaching how to identify seasons. I almost shut down when I saw a lot of them leaving, but I believe it was building me up for my success. My circle got small when my account stayed overdrawn. My circle got thin when I no longer had money to spend. I promise I'm not intentionally rhyming in most of this and I don't really know what this post is, but this is how my mind works sometimes.

Back to giving away most of my clothes- I just felt like I was holding onto old parts of my life that been through some strife. I felt so free once I did it and the moment I got rid of all those things I felt like I finally knew the meaning of living. I just want to start traveling with my man and no longer have to worry about having to clock in for work. Your always on the clock with purpose, but the best thing is it doesn't feel like it and you don't live like it.

My book isn't out yet, but I won't stress it. I know that things will work out. Even the most optimistic people have days when we start to feel ways. I'm human so I won't judge myself too hard when I lose my grasp or feel bad. At the end of the day I will find a way and in the words of my old friend everything will be okay.