You are not forgotten

With so much tragedy and turmoil arising in not only our lives, but in the world sometimes it's easy to feel forgotten by God. On this Sunday(June 24th), I reflect on a song that my dance ministry used to perform to many years ago. Israel Houghton' s lyrics to Not Forgotten(medley) began to give me chills as I listened to a song that I'd heard so many times in the past with more clarity now than before. The song is a reminder of every way God has shown up during the times where I too have felt abandoned.

When most people look at me they only see my faith and resilience, but there is so much work that goes into the light that others see within me. Faith is a muscle that I have to work at strengthening everyday. There are many times when I feel hopeless and even more where I feel alone or abandoned by God. Even still, there's always this voice that whispers you can make it and eventually I do. I fight and scream during the process, but somehow I make it out even when I don't feel like pressing on. Even when I feel like my life lacks meaning and purpose, I make it. Not in a lavish welcome to MTV' s Cribs I'm balling out of control type of way, but in a resilient warrior way I manage to make it over the hurdles that nearly knock the wind out of me.

A few days ago while scrolling through instagram, I came across a live stream from Pastor Kimberly Jones‐Pothier better known to many as RealtalkKim. She was preaching on how we tend to wait to share our testimony after we've overcome our test. She followed up by explaining how the real testimony is in the test itself. The short clip that I managed to catch spoke volumes to me and taunted my own subconscious.

I chuckled to myself as I reflected on the praise report written in my own notes that I wanted to share once God moved in my own situation. Nearly 3 weeks have gone by since I'd written it and there it sat taunting my faith. RealtalkKim's livestream reminded me of how much we like to brag about God only when there is evidence of the blessing after we've overcome the trial. It's uncomfortable sharing what your going through in a world where so many are quick to judge. Maybe it's our pride or just sensitivity to judgement in general, but it all hurts the same.

Pulling back the layers that make us seem invincible shows how flawed we actually are. It's easier to appear like we're making it rather than publicly acknowledging our shortcomings. It can be difficult showing insecurities and acknowledging weakness, but we all have them. Nobody is exempt from those human qualities. The strongest and most resilient people have felt weak. Their strength was built during the times of brokenness and pain.

The last three months of my life have been extremely trying. Actually- scratch that because since I'm being extremely candid here, I'll even go as far as admiting that the last 18 years of my life have been extremely difficult. People see the highlights, but there are more lowlights that have me in agony than I'll even acknowledge aloud.

Having deceased parents and no immediate family is not my only narrative, but it's my reality. It's more difficult living with it than I let on or share and there are many dark days that I keep tucked away for my eyes only. I don't like the pitty or the judgement and I've spent much time disregarding my own trauma for the sake of  acknowledging the hurt of others before my own.

For awhile quoting Job 8:7-9 had a way of giving me hope, but that was before I read the entire story of Job. While it still gives me much hope, the empowering lines that I found and began reflecting on over two years ago now hold more meaning than before. It's cute to say you have faith until God strips you of everything while preparing you for greater and being able to "keep that same energy".

In many ways, I relate deeply to stories like Job, Joseph, and Esther because they tell a story of God finding worth in the Forgotten. Stories like those, help me find meaning during tragedy and dispair. There are also many days like in the last 3 months where I curse my own birth like Job and pray for God to put me out of my misery. Those aren't the times that I candidly share when I battle my own demons of depression. I constantly question my existence because some days things don't seem like they're getting better.

My life the last few years remind me of a dream I used to have. I'd be laying on a bed comfortably only for it to suddenly disappear as I begin falling into darkness. Down the dark rabbithole I'd go, falling only to land on a bed then repeat again. I've never been able to fully be comfortable in my formative teen years as well as my early adult ones. It always seemed like as soon as I'd feel almost stable, the glass would drop and chaos would turn my life upside down.

My faith has been stretched more than I can imagine while being homeless. I've stayed in two shelters and lived in two airports, with LAX being my longest stay out of all since I've been back in LA after being gone for 8 months. Tuesday, makes it 6 weeks that I've lived in the international terminal. There are definitely levels to homelessness and sleeping at the airport is a far cry from my previous experience couch surfing in the past.

Initially when I got back to LA I knew it would be difficult, but I'm realizing more and more that the struggle was more than I anticipated. Optimistically, I love to say that it adds more depth to my movie. It's fun to say, but it's hard to live it while keeping a smile. I knew no matter how hard things got, I'd never beg for a handout because it's not in my DNA.  I watch how people judge crowd funding and it's hard to ask for help when you sat your pride aside in the past only to get talked about when you finally admitted you needed help.

Suffering in silence has always been a way of life for me not just because the testimony of overcoming sounds better, but because it's relatively easier hiding weakness than to be picked apart by those waiting for my demise. I watch how tragedies briefly bring people together only for them to shortly resume their previous behaviours. It's disheartening, but it's reality.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting two wonderful women of God while at inn n out near LAX. I was spending my last few dollars on something to eat for the day not knowing how I'd eat the next week and a half, but remaining faithful in my hopes that things would get better. We initially sparked up a conversation about things to do in LA since they were from Miami and looking for nearby attractions to enjoy while here for the first time. I gave them many suggestions and then the conversation took a shift.

One lady in particular named Tekara mentioned a book she'd just published (Speak Life: Releasing God's Promises by Faith) and we began to connect over publishing our first books. The longer we sat, we started to discuss the trials that arise while being called to do work for the Kingdom of God. The two women noticed my bags and began to probe about my travel. Against my initial hesitance, I finally admitted that I'd been sleeping at the airport while looking for a new place.

They both prayed for me and before they left, they placed neatly folded money in my palms. I was nearly brought to tears, only being able to mutter a meek and gratitude filled thank you. Upon going outside I realized that together they had given me what totaled up to $140 which was more than enough to get me through the next week and a half. God had once again, sent his anointed to bless me unexpectedly.

More than the money, one thing that stuck with me from the encounter was what Tekara said to me after praying. She told that God put it on her spirit that he was using this season to heal my heart. She told me that I had a lot of pain that ran deep from when I was younger. Not until these recent weeks did I realize the reason for even the delays with my housing even though they'd been foretold to me.

With having not much to my name, it eliminates the many distractions that get in the way of my healing. Each friday, that goes by brings feelings of forgotteness and disappointment that I experienced as a kid. Getting my hopes up for dad to be release from the hospital, only for him to die the next day was a sting that lingered deep. Reflections of a conversation that I had with my mom after a breakthrough at dance class where I prayed for many of my dance sisters as the holy ghost moved me still haunts me. The ride on the way home, I told my mom that God had something big in store for her. She wouldn't have to struggle and worry anymore. Weeks later after leaving for a few days, I came home from a ministry trip to the news that my mom had passed away. My feelings of abandonment run deep.

Each time an apartment or housing opportunity that was approved falls through, feelings of disappointment haunt me. Despite my own hard work and efforts, I'm here in the LAX- homeless with nothing to distract me from the truth. I have no choice, but to reflect on every failure or tragedy that has occurred in my life. I've held resentment and anger at ministry for years. Only last year did I finally resist running and answer God's calling on my life.

Our yes to God, requires stretching. Even though difficult, the easiest part is saying yes because after the "yes" the true tests begin. Will you give it all up to follow God? I left my apartment on June 30th last year with the clothes on my back and few childhood vhs/photos. After so many of the closest people to me hurt me in the most unimaginable ways last year, I began to realize how many trust issues I developed throughout the years.

God showed me that he is truly a God of restoration. I met more strangers in different states that have opened up their hearts and homes to me than my own family. The only blood related family member that I can truly say has always came through for me is my cousin Jason. He was one of the first to teach me how God can put better people in your life than the ones you share DNA with.

The past year although painful, made me open to welcoming new people in my life. In the past, while hurting I'd cut off people who were trying to be there for me because I was used to being let down. I believe God places temporary people in your paths to help teach you the hard lessons that you often fail to acknowledge. I also realized that I never dated because I secretly had a fear that a close friend would commit the ultimate betrayal with my significant other when I finally allowed myself to welcome love.

I'll admit that it's difficult being in a place where you know people who claim to love you that won't even help you. During these times what I have to remind myself is that as long as there is a God in heaven, I am never homeless. My God has a mansion with many rooms. Temporary moments of being without won't last always. If you ever find yourself feeling forgotten know that you are not alone. We are all fighting demons daily just to keep a smile on our face regardless if people try to hide that aspect of them or not. Always remember you are not forgotten and you are most certainly not alone.