Motherless Mothers Daze
This morning at around 5am I made an impromptu food run to Denny's. As I waited for my take out, a black male leaves out the restaurant as he tells the entire restaurant staff to do something for their mothers today with so much assertiveness in his voice. A Latino male smiles taking the check while saying his mother is in heaven. That moment alone made me reflect to an earlier conversation with my older cousin Jason as we discussed how we nearly forget Mother's day since it's been so long since we had one. A few weeks ago somebody told me my mom has "Been dead" as if that was a reason to continuously disrespect me. I've never been a person to use having two deceased parents in addition to all immediate family as an excuse for any hardships I face. I often find it a bit peculiar when people attempt to judge my character without knowing me as if that's a trigger point or a crutch that I'd use. When I was 15 maybe it would've been, but at 24 I've learned by now to let insignificant words roll off my back like rain drops on windows. To be honest, I didn't know mother's day was coming up this weekend until I overheard some people shouting happy mother's day as they left the court building to live up their Friday afternoon this week. As I left Denny's to meet my uber outside, the same waiter told me happy mother's day. I smiled at the irony that my mother too was in heaven and I didn't have any children. I told him thank you and made my way out the door.
My mom's mother passed away on mother's day when I was around 6 years old and my mom always vividly recalled her whispering in her ear that she loved her while she had several feeding tubes down her throat before her passing. My mom always liked to call that one of God's many blessings. I remember that being a rough year for my mom because that Christmas as she called her father in preparations for our annual family dinner, she was met with the shock of a lifetime as he didn't answer the phone. We always picked up my Grandpa Clarence for family dinner at home and when she finally got into his apartment she found him laying on the kitchen floor dead with scalding hot water everywhere. I always made it a habit to shower my mother with kisses on mother's day. My favorite gift to give her were clean up chore vouchers that she could cash in so I could clean her room in addition to the entire house. My mom's favorite saying was "Give people their flowers while they can smell them". I'm starting to appreciate that saying more and more as I was met with news of passing loved ones this year because I feel peace knowing that I treated them nice while they were here.
I make it a habit to try and call or say a prayer for my motherless friends/family on today. The longer you go without you begin to forget the day, but the first years matter the most because their difficult. Staying off social media on Holidays make it easier because you don't get bombarded by pictures that you no longer get to take. I haven't made a post about my mother on mother's day in years because at the end of the day that's what journals and prayers are for. Many people judge those who openly display their affection to lost loved ones and it's unfortunate because we deserve to get it out in whatever way we can. Who's to say what's really acceptable or not? People often write nice comments with cute angel emoji's, but they secretly roll their eyes as you write many heart felt paragraphs each year. It's a harsh thing to say, however, the fact remains that it's a real thing to say because not many people like to be honest these days in the era of thriving social media. We live in a time when most people keep tabs on loved ones by updates through the web and there's become a disconnect that's happened over the years. There are less photo albums and more fake smiles of memories through flooded timelines. The thing that I'm noticing is that many people in my generation lack communication skills. We'd rather text than talk and many times our intentions are lost in words that don't have thought behind them.
Yolanda McDowell gave birth to one daughter named Keysha Rene McDowell. She spelled her name Key-sha because she said she was the key to her heart. My mother's heart was so big that some may say it was abnormal and she mothered many of my friends. She nurtured her students and her kids at school were really hers because God blessed them with her. When my mother's baby sister passed away of cancer she got guardianship of her daughter and took her in. As angry as my cousin was, my mother attempted to shower her with so much love and compassion that she even gave her my bedroom. I was used to my mom giving my room away to someone in need and sometimes on Christmas she'd allow me to give away some of my unopened presents to kids that didn't have parents. She'd ask me about my gifts, but being taught selfless love by her and my father early in life took my cares away so I didn't mind. I guess that's why it's so easy for me to give away my brand new clothes to anybody who needs them. This year I've been finding myself giving all my stuff away. Sometimes I'd even buy groceries only to end up giving everything away to friends and neighbors in my apartment building. A couple of weeks ago, I was honestly at the point that I brought a one-way ticket and left with the clothes on my back planning to start a new life somewhere else. My heart yearned for a vacation and a day of rest. Somehow something brought me right back, so here I am still in my apartment in Downtown Long Beach with so many things that I was prepared to walk away from that have lost so much value to me.
This year nearly a week before my mother's birthday that same cousin that my mom took in passed away. She was only 28 years old and she'd just had a new baby girl in December named Jewell. Barely 6 months old and today is the first of many motherless mother's days that she'll have without her biological mother. I pray that she's blessed with a home that showers her with love and doesn't make a difference. As much as my older cousin tried to beat me up and torture me I always knew that she loved me. When I got older I developed compassion for the way she treated me because I realized that she was hurting and I'm blessed that I was able to run into her last summer while she was pregnant. Two days before she died, she liked a status on my Facebook page about me being ghetto sanctified. She was the type of person that would fight you and still fight for you so it was only right that I made sure that her arrangements were taken care of to the best of my abilities.
I resigned from my job because I didn't have enough bereavement to keep taking off work. Nearly 9 years after the passing of my mother it felt like Deja Vu to be planning a funeral for my only first girl cousin on my mom's side. We fought and bickered like sisters, but we had each other's back and I tried the best I could to make sure she was laid to rest properly. I didn't attend the viewing, but it was short lived because her husband ruined it and brought people to jump some of our family members. Both sides of my family call me boujie because I choose to avoid drama so I was actually thankful at my initial decision to only make sure that financially everything was in order with her insurance and not attend the funeral or viewing. It made me uneasy to know that her body sat for 3 weeks and she couldn't have a funeral because of what happened at her viewing. Something tells me that she's somewhere with some popcorn giggling at people fighting for her because I know it would've made her feel good to know how loved she was that so many people were willing to stand up for her. As much as I didn't like what was going on I know that my cousin liked drama like that because it made her laugh. Aside from the drama I honestly wish she could've heard how much people loved her because as much as we told her she never took our words too literal. Sometimes people are blind to how much other love them despite their flaws. Her newest baby looks like her at peace without stress and I believe that's her way of saying she's resting well with the King. As reserved as I am I was prepared to fight for her if I had to end up regulating her funeral because that's what family does. We take care of each no matter what despite differences. I've only got in one fight my entire life(6th grade), but I would've put my reservations to the side and bossed up for her. I may lose my apartment because I haven't been able to pay my rent since resigning from my job, but I'd honestly make the same impulsive decision again. Regardless of the stress, it's brought into my life I still tried my best and made the necessary calls to set things in motion for her to get her justice even if I couldn't be there personally because my loyalty runs that deep.
My best might be too reserved for some, but after everything I've been through I feel like MY BEST is good enough and I'm learning to create boundaries. In addition to dealing with this, I took on so many other people's problem in attempts to be the Olivia Pope of my friends and family because prior to this year there has never been any boundaries to what I would do for the people I love. Sometimes when your heart is so big you trail a fine line from over doing it to the point that it takes a lot of energy. Regardless of what I've lost, I've always felt compassion so I made it a habit to be there for everyone that I could regardless of what I battled personally because that's what I always saw my mom do. If the first 5 months of this year has taught me anything, it taught me that boundaries are necessary to create balance. There's been so many periods of sleepless nights and days that I'd skip meals so I've decided to create the necessary distance between people who bring too much chaos in my life. My body has grown tired and I almost got to a point that I felt like a carbon copy of my mother.
On this mother's day I say a prayer to every motherless child. I pray that my four baby cousins get the proper love and care on their first motherless mother's day. At 24 if I was in a better position financially, I'd try to take them all in just because I know I'd never make a difference like people did with me after my mom passed. Some women during the years that followed my mom's passing, attempted to over compensate and become a mother for me, but the truth is I never needed another mother because I had a great mother. As much as we bickered and disagreed, we had a love that ran so deep with the purest unconditional love. Wherever she went I was there whether it was a play rehearsal or an additional spades partner when she played cards with her friends. The love that a mother gives is something that can't be replicated or replaced. Some women don't have a motherly instinct that gives them the nurturing capability because they didn't get the proper example and others have many examples that allow them to flourish sometimes surpassing their biological mothers. Regardless, a mother should always be celebrated daily because a day doesn't suffice. A motherless child doesn't always crave a replacement especially if they had a good one that passed on. Sometimes they just want support.
I've found that the void that was once in my heart from the loss of my parents was filled by God's love. I'd rather depend on what I can't see than what is in front of me that has the ability to disappoint me because God has never failed me. One of the best things I heard this year was from my mom's close friend and sister Carolynn. She told me that regardless of how much we love someone that God lends us to people and vice versa. Awhile ago me and my friend John had a similar conversation discussing loss because we realized why people grieve so long. As humans we tend to hold on too tight and treat people like possessions that were never ours to begin with. People flow to you naturally because that's who God intended you to have whether it be for a moment or a lifetime.
This time last year I was honored to celebrate my Mother's day with my little soul sister who'd had her baby a month prior. The theme was "Sip and Stroke". I found it so cute to see her great grandmother paint with her sisters and kids. We sat together taking turns holding her baby girl who stayed sleep most of the day. All three of them matched in denim and I took cute pictures of them together. She was always open with the people she loved most and made it a habit to share them with her friends or the people around her. Most times when I'm with her I silently laugh observing because she reminds me so much of myself because I was a lot like her when my mom was alive. I always told my friends that they could call my mom their mom, but they had so much respect for her that even as much of a mother as she was to them they called her "Ms. McDowell". No matter the time span, we have to realize that everything in this life is temporary. I find that it's easier to let go once realizing this because I began to value the good I tried to do for others while they were here. I don't feel the need to visit a grave of bones because my mom always told me that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Everybody grieves in their own way, but I like to look at death as someone completing their assignment before they head home. Graves make some people feel close and regardless of the way anyone grieves I respect as long as they make sure not to harm themselves in the process of their healing. A motherless mother's day is never truly motherless if you've experienced the nurture of a great woman at least once in your life. Happy Mother's day from my heart to yours.
My mom's mother passed away on mother's day when I was around 6 years old and my mom always vividly recalled her whispering in her ear that she loved her while she had several feeding tubes down her throat before her passing. My mom always liked to call that one of God's many blessings. I remember that being a rough year for my mom because that Christmas as she called her father in preparations for our annual family dinner, she was met with the shock of a lifetime as he didn't answer the phone. We always picked up my Grandpa Clarence for family dinner at home and when she finally got into his apartment she found him laying on the kitchen floor dead with scalding hot water everywhere. I always made it a habit to shower my mother with kisses on mother's day. My favorite gift to give her were clean up chore vouchers that she could cash in so I could clean her room in addition to the entire house. My mom's favorite saying was "Give people their flowers while they can smell them". I'm starting to appreciate that saying more and more as I was met with news of passing loved ones this year because I feel peace knowing that I treated them nice while they were here.
I make it a habit to try and call or say a prayer for my motherless friends/family on today. The longer you go without you begin to forget the day, but the first years matter the most because their difficult. Staying off social media on Holidays make it easier because you don't get bombarded by pictures that you no longer get to take. I haven't made a post about my mother on mother's day in years because at the end of the day that's what journals and prayers are for. Many people judge those who openly display their affection to lost loved ones and it's unfortunate because we deserve to get it out in whatever way we can. Who's to say what's really acceptable or not? People often write nice comments with cute angel emoji's, but they secretly roll their eyes as you write many heart felt paragraphs each year. It's a harsh thing to say, however, the fact remains that it's a real thing to say because not many people like to be honest these days in the era of thriving social media. We live in a time when most people keep tabs on loved ones by updates through the web and there's become a disconnect that's happened over the years. There are less photo albums and more fake smiles of memories through flooded timelines. The thing that I'm noticing is that many people in my generation lack communication skills. We'd rather text than talk and many times our intentions are lost in words that don't have thought behind them.
Yolanda McDowell gave birth to one daughter named Keysha Rene McDowell. She spelled her name Key-sha because she said she was the key to her heart. My mother's heart was so big that some may say it was abnormal and she mothered many of my friends. She nurtured her students and her kids at school were really hers because God blessed them with her. When my mother's baby sister passed away of cancer she got guardianship of her daughter and took her in. As angry as my cousin was, my mother attempted to shower her with so much love and compassion that she even gave her my bedroom. I was used to my mom giving my room away to someone in need and sometimes on Christmas she'd allow me to give away some of my unopened presents to kids that didn't have parents. She'd ask me about my gifts, but being taught selfless love by her and my father early in life took my cares away so I didn't mind. I guess that's why it's so easy for me to give away my brand new clothes to anybody who needs them. This year I've been finding myself giving all my stuff away. Sometimes I'd even buy groceries only to end up giving everything away to friends and neighbors in my apartment building. A couple of weeks ago, I was honestly at the point that I brought a one-way ticket and left with the clothes on my back planning to start a new life somewhere else. My heart yearned for a vacation and a day of rest. Somehow something brought me right back, so here I am still in my apartment in Downtown Long Beach with so many things that I was prepared to walk away from that have lost so much value to me.
This year nearly a week before my mother's birthday that same cousin that my mom took in passed away. She was only 28 years old and she'd just had a new baby girl in December named Jewell. Barely 6 months old and today is the first of many motherless mother's days that she'll have without her biological mother. I pray that she's blessed with a home that showers her with love and doesn't make a difference. As much as my older cousin tried to beat me up and torture me I always knew that she loved me. When I got older I developed compassion for the way she treated me because I realized that she was hurting and I'm blessed that I was able to run into her last summer while she was pregnant. Two days before she died, she liked a status on my Facebook page about me being ghetto sanctified. She was the type of person that would fight you and still fight for you so it was only right that I made sure that her arrangements were taken care of to the best of my abilities.
I resigned from my job because I didn't have enough bereavement to keep taking off work. Nearly 9 years after the passing of my mother it felt like Deja Vu to be planning a funeral for my only first girl cousin on my mom's side. We fought and bickered like sisters, but we had each other's back and I tried the best I could to make sure she was laid to rest properly. I didn't attend the viewing, but it was short lived because her husband ruined it and brought people to jump some of our family members. Both sides of my family call me boujie because I choose to avoid drama so I was actually thankful at my initial decision to only make sure that financially everything was in order with her insurance and not attend the funeral or viewing. It made me uneasy to know that her body sat for 3 weeks and she couldn't have a funeral because of what happened at her viewing. Something tells me that she's somewhere with some popcorn giggling at people fighting for her because I know it would've made her feel good to know how loved she was that so many people were willing to stand up for her. As much as I didn't like what was going on I know that my cousin liked drama like that because it made her laugh. Aside from the drama I honestly wish she could've heard how much people loved her because as much as we told her she never took our words too literal. Sometimes people are blind to how much other love them despite their flaws. Her newest baby looks like her at peace without stress and I believe that's her way of saying she's resting well with the King. As reserved as I am I was prepared to fight for her if I had to end up regulating her funeral because that's what family does. We take care of each no matter what despite differences. I've only got in one fight my entire life(6th grade), but I would've put my reservations to the side and bossed up for her. I may lose my apartment because I haven't been able to pay my rent since resigning from my job, but I'd honestly make the same impulsive decision again. Regardless of the stress, it's brought into my life I still tried my best and made the necessary calls to set things in motion for her to get her justice even if I couldn't be there personally because my loyalty runs that deep.
My best might be too reserved for some, but after everything I've been through I feel like MY BEST is good enough and I'm learning to create boundaries. In addition to dealing with this, I took on so many other people's problem in attempts to be the Olivia Pope of my friends and family because prior to this year there has never been any boundaries to what I would do for the people I love. Sometimes when your heart is so big you trail a fine line from over doing it to the point that it takes a lot of energy. Regardless of what I've lost, I've always felt compassion so I made it a habit to be there for everyone that I could regardless of what I battled personally because that's what I always saw my mom do. If the first 5 months of this year has taught me anything, it taught me that boundaries are necessary to create balance. There's been so many periods of sleepless nights and days that I'd skip meals so I've decided to create the necessary distance between people who bring too much chaos in my life. My body has grown tired and I almost got to a point that I felt like a carbon copy of my mother.
On this mother's day I say a prayer to every motherless child. I pray that my four baby cousins get the proper love and care on their first motherless mother's day. At 24 if I was in a better position financially, I'd try to take them all in just because I know I'd never make a difference like people did with me after my mom passed. Some women during the years that followed my mom's passing, attempted to over compensate and become a mother for me, but the truth is I never needed another mother because I had a great mother. As much as we bickered and disagreed, we had a love that ran so deep with the purest unconditional love. Wherever she went I was there whether it was a play rehearsal or an additional spades partner when she played cards with her friends. The love that a mother gives is something that can't be replicated or replaced. Some women don't have a motherly instinct that gives them the nurturing capability because they didn't get the proper example and others have many examples that allow them to flourish sometimes surpassing their biological mothers. Regardless, a mother should always be celebrated daily because a day doesn't suffice. A motherless child doesn't always crave a replacement especially if they had a good one that passed on. Sometimes they just want support.
I've found that the void that was once in my heart from the loss of my parents was filled by God's love. I'd rather depend on what I can't see than what is in front of me that has the ability to disappoint me because God has never failed me. One of the best things I heard this year was from my mom's close friend and sister Carolynn. She told me that regardless of how much we love someone that God lends us to people and vice versa. Awhile ago me and my friend John had a similar conversation discussing loss because we realized why people grieve so long. As humans we tend to hold on too tight and treat people like possessions that were never ours to begin with. People flow to you naturally because that's who God intended you to have whether it be for a moment or a lifetime.
This time last year I was honored to celebrate my Mother's day with my little soul sister who'd had her baby a month prior. The theme was "Sip and Stroke". I found it so cute to see her great grandmother paint with her sisters and kids. We sat together taking turns holding her baby girl who stayed sleep most of the day. All three of them matched in denim and I took cute pictures of them together. She was always open with the people she loved most and made it a habit to share them with her friends or the people around her. Most times when I'm with her I silently laugh observing because she reminds me so much of myself because I was a lot like her when my mom was alive. I always told my friends that they could call my mom their mom, but they had so much respect for her that even as much of a mother as she was to them they called her "Ms. McDowell". No matter the time span, we have to realize that everything in this life is temporary. I find that it's easier to let go once realizing this because I began to value the good I tried to do for others while they were here. I don't feel the need to visit a grave of bones because my mom always told me that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Everybody grieves in their own way, but I like to look at death as someone completing their assignment before they head home. Graves make some people feel close and regardless of the way anyone grieves I respect as long as they make sure not to harm themselves in the process of their healing. A motherless mother's day is never truly motherless if you've experienced the nurture of a great woman at least once in your life. Happy Mother's day from my heart to yours.
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