Insanity can be defined as a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral pattern, however, I think true insanity is much deeper. Maybe we're all crazy though. We've been so conditioned by society to hide our deepest pain because showing our hurt is considered weak by some. The pain so many people suffer from is often buried beneath smiles and laughter because at times it seems better to hide behind a facade rather than acknowledge the truth. Mental health in the minority community is something that is rarely acknowledged. It's as if we've just been conditioned to address trauma as just something that just happens. As many funerals as I saw my mom plan growing up, I rarely saw my mother cry. Grief was something that was never really acknowledged in my household and as much as I heard that it was okay to cry, tears were things that I rarely saw. Keeping busy was what my mother did to cope because if she was busy then she didn't have to acknowledge loss or pain. The world kept moving and so did she.
This year I felt as if I was losing my mind as my past and future collided. It was as if history repeated itself only this time I was older and I couldn't just keep busy to pass the time. I tried so hard to do as I've been conditioned until I finally broke. Apologies became my habit because I began to invalidate my feelings like many have done to me my entire life. Eventually, I decided that I could no longer apologize for simply being human. If my pain was offensive then so be it, but I could no longer keep making apologies for acknowledging the way that I felt in an honest way. In the past, I had a habit of invalidating my feelings for the sake others happiness when all the while I was unconsciously making myself unhappy. Being extremely honest and vulnerable is a difficult thing to do, but as I began to do so I realized how at peace it made me.
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