Solace in the Silence

I'd gotten so tired of shitty friends
who'd often disregard through thick and thin 
unless it came to them with their many men. 
In a new city and state, but I can't help but feel as if this is not my fate. 
Usually I'd find my escape in those rhythmic melodies 
as majestic words would carry me, but I've found solace in this silence. 
Sometimes I wonder if my soul is dying. 
Sometimes I don't know if I'm even really trying or just lying- to myself. 
Maybe I really do just need to get some help or just take this time to myself. 
It's that isolation that I've always thought would carry me, but somehow it's only seemed to burry me. 
Trying to sleep through the days as if oneday I'd awake with no pain, but the feelings just remain. 
It seems like the deeper I sleep the further I fall into this black hole that has seemed to take ahold of me. 
I've been dreaming about my mama alot lately and I hadn't seen her face in my dreams since the age of fifteen. 
I got the job that I've always wanted when I no longer want it. 
I feel ungrateful, but I try to find a way to stay thankful even when I receive back ordered prayers. 
I guess that's just God's way of saying "Thank me later".