Trusting God with your heart
Growing up I always heard the proverbs scripture from the Bible of “A man finding a wife and finding the good thang”— in fact, the only album that my dad was able to release on earth entitled “In God’s timing” had a sang called "Good Thang" based on that scripture. In a way, my dad's album title has been acting as an unconscious compass guiding me my entire life whenever I stray too far from grace. I used to feel cheated having such an amazing dad that I lost so early in life because he was really my best friend. I think in a way wearing a flower girl dress from my Uncle Bruce and Shawn’s wedding signified my death of dreams. I’d always envisioned that I’d have him walk me down the isle and even press the man that I ever decided to marry when I finally settled down. I felt robbed of dreams that I had until I realized that everyone doesn’t have the fond memories of their father like I do. 7 is the number of perfection and although I forced myself to forget my dad for many years because it hurt to remember such a special bond with a King, I now welcome the memories that I suppressed for 16/17 years. My dad died about 2 months before my 8 birthday and now I feel blessed have experienced 7 years of perfection in a two-parent Christian home rather than any amount of years of with a toxic relationship. Both of my parents died at 50—8 years apart. 8 is the number of new beginnings and every 8 years I felt like I had to grasp navigating new normals.
I never dated much in my life. When I was younger, I can remember even going as far as talking myself out of crushes or changing my “type” because I never wanted to experience in my opinion at the time “the ultimate betrayal” which was to have one of my close friends sleep with my husband when I “finally” fell in love. I didn’t believe in being jealous of my friends even though many Scorpios get the jealous rep. As I get older, I realize that nothing good and worth having can blossom from fear. You have to eventually Face Everything And Rise... I’ve always been secure in my singleness, but as I started getting in my early twenties, I felt the pressure to experience of love and relationships. 21 rolled around and my family started looking at me like “Key Key when you gone start dating— you’re pretty... what’s wrong?”.
I was scared they probably thought I was gay even though I wasn’t— hell I thought I was Asexual for a split second because my first kiss at twenty-one was TERRIBLE. His breathe was soooooo fucked up and it was hella tongue so I was instantly dried like a raisin after the excitement of having my first sexual somewhat innocent encounter with a guy at 21. One thing I’ve been sure of is the value of time and losing people so quickly and frequently no matter how much it hurt made me vow to never hold grudges or love recklessly. I’ve always had discernment in that way and as I saw more of my friends getting their heart's broken, I couldn’t bare to think I waited so long just to get “played”.
I’ve always had many homeboys and I’ve NEVER EVER slept with any of them or even anybody I went to school or worked with. A couple I had crushes on, but they made sure to never cross that line with me while still managing to show me love even when they dogged other girls—which I would get mad at them about. I would be like don’t have me around your side chicks when you got a girlfriend then have me be cool with your girlfriend. I used to feel like shit having “my bros backs” at times because they would do some dog ass trifling shit to women— Black Women regardless of how cute, mixed, and “Popping”. If they didn’t command respect in their essence, they got PLAYED and I felt sorry for them for being so desperate for a man that they settled for guys who dogged them.
About 3 years ago, I saw this picture and it captivated me because I saw the personification of the Proverbs scripture and true alignment. I believe a real queen who loves herself and does the work has the ability to attract her “King”. The scripture, however, says “A man that finds a wife...” because if you find a solid woman to hold you down— the man is the blessed one. Everybody jokes of asking about Ciara’s prayer when they need to be looking for Russels— okay. I feel like that’s why God lead me to stick with a series like The Commandments of Womanhood to uplift my sisters into ascending and attracting Kings. It also was created to help them be secure in knowing that even if Prince Charming never shows they are still AMAZING.
My dad wrote and sung his song “Good thing” to my mom as she walked down the aisle because he was blessed after all the lonely years to FINALLY find “The ultimate soul fated love”. I never heard about my parents dating growing up, but I do always remember the story of his proposal. My dad was a hairstylist and he used to do my mom’s hair. Her hard-headed butt tried to do something fancy and made her hair fall out and he customized the wig she wore on their wedding day. Back to the proposal though— my mom used to recount him proposing to her in the sink while shampooing her hair. My friends now even say that a King that loves you and washes your hair regardless of texture, bald spots, or length is a Real ONE! This leads me to believe that when a guy finally finds the right one he doesn’t need a longgggg time to propose. He can drag one girl along for 10 years and then meet a new girl in one week that he’s ready to step up and be the best for. That brings me to this realization that many may not want to hear, but I’ll say it anyway... if he loves you “he doesn’t need long to decide”... That king will be looking for rings that DAY if you solid enough and he can see himself really “building” with you.
Thinking back to losing my virginity at 22, I kind've laugh because I was in such a rush to stop being the only one so my “friends” could shut up... Guys that I met would literally say you should wait you’re a good girl and I’d be PISSED because I’d want to get it popping. 🥴😂 They found the value in me and affirmed what I had been taught from an early age even when I seemed to forget. Even when I think about the guy I entertained for the longest out of anybody, I recollect to when I almost lost it to him and it literally would not go in like God conspired with my dad to get me a spiritual chastity belt on my “privacy” as I would call my vagina as a child. I was so pissed and instead of getting mad, he asked if he could just spend the night and hold me. I remember feeling so awkward “cuddling” because I was a guarded Tomboy. I was never really affectionate especially after my dad died. If I loved you I’d hug you occasionally, but I wouldn’t be super lovey-dovey. He was so sweet though and we just kissed while falling asleep next to each other.
I wanted to lose my virginity so bad because one I didn’t want to die a virgin and two I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live much longer so I wanted to at least experience what everybody was raving about... When I finally managed to lose it to this random guy I met on POF, I didn't even tell him I was a virgin beforehand. To be quite honest, I wasn’t even really attracted to him, but after wayyyy too many chill encounters with guys who’d rather talk to me all night than hook up because I was a “good” girl I was just like "fuck it" he'll do. I don’t regret my first who ended up being a one night stand that extended its stay to a redo weeks later after him pleading to redeem himself. After the temporary high wore off no longer being the “only virgin” wherever I went, I didn’t feel shit. I tried having intercourse two more times and just decided it was overrated if I wasn’t into them and became abstinent which I’ve been for the last nearly five years(in July). A real nigga did, however, slip once or twice and get some head, but then one of my close “friends” made me feel so bad like I was a whore so I just stopped everything because I was so serious with my walk with God. Now, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed a guy.
When I lost my virginity I didn’t even tell my “closest friend” at the time immediately because she spent most of our childhood and adulthood trying to make me feel bad about myself. Everything always had to be a competition and it was stupid because I love my friends so why should I have to race against them? That’s not friendship nor what I wanted to keep being in a cycle of having around me. I remember actually texting my older coworker and assistant manager at Sprint right after I had sex who was about 35 that I secretly wanted to be my first because I liked him so much and felt like we had great chemistry... We never even kissed, but he was so fine and nice to me. He was considered “selfish” by our coworkers, but he’d train me for free, give me rides home, and buy me lunch. He always had my back and so did most of the guys in my life especially when I worked at Sprint in Ladera heights. My guy coworkers were so impressed when they found out I was a virgin after the homegirl blew my shit up. I was embarrassed though. My mom took pride in waiting till marriage and I used to feel like she boasted too much. My coworker and I were so close that even though he felt weird the next day when he realized I was telling him I had sex for the first time, he still didn’t embarrass me for crossing that line while my “best friend” at the time did when I told her after she’d been hounding me for years to lose it. It was like she got pleasure in making my moment feel like shit because I waited to tell her so I could process. She said she didn’t want to hear the details after I had to endure yearssssss of her hoe tales and I was so sad, but tried to act like I wasn’t. I didn’t have a wise woman who I trusted to talk about it with so once again like the deaths of my parents I held it in...
I write this post to say to someone who is wanting so badly to get married because everyone seems paired off that God hasn’t forgotten about you. Don’t let the internet, peer pressure, or religion rush or scare you into waiting or not. You aren’t missing out and although I feel like being a phenomenal wife/mother is apart of my destiny...if God decides I’m meant to just be alone, I’ve finally made peace with that. Many of my closest friends have gotten to experience everything that I’ve always wanted and I have never felt envious of them. Sometimes I would feel a little sad when they’d bring up wishing I had someone, but I have never been a jealous friend. I talk with them if they are having relationship or marriage issues and I pray over their unions. I know that if who God revealed to me is, in fact, my husband and the real deal then he’ll find me because I’m the “Gift” so he would have to level up to attract me. I’ve always been so shy approaching guys because I don’t like the feeling of rejection. I don’t think anybody likes feeling played, but sometimes you take a risk with love. One thing that I will ask of my single ladies who want the “family” is to trust God with your heart. Don’t rush God’s timing like my siSTAR Dyme and my Dad used to tell me. God knows better than us what we NEED over what we want so rip up the lists and affirmations ladies... START WITH SELF LOVE AND DO YOUR WORK IN HEALING so that singleness won’t make you feel “uncomfortable” and forgotten.
I never dated much in my life. When I was younger, I can remember even going as far as talking myself out of crushes or changing my “type” because I never wanted to experience in my opinion at the time “the ultimate betrayal” which was to have one of my close friends sleep with my husband when I “finally” fell in love. I didn’t believe in being jealous of my friends even though many Scorpios get the jealous rep. As I get older, I realize that nothing good and worth having can blossom from fear. You have to eventually Face Everything And Rise... I’ve always been secure in my singleness, but as I started getting in my early twenties, I felt the pressure to experience of love and relationships. 21 rolled around and my family started looking at me like “Key Key when you gone start dating— you’re pretty... what’s wrong?”.
I was scared they probably thought I was gay even though I wasn’t— hell I thought I was Asexual for a split second because my first kiss at twenty-one was TERRIBLE. His breathe was soooooo fucked up and it was hella tongue so I was instantly dried like a raisin after the excitement of having my first sexual somewhat innocent encounter with a guy at 21. One thing I’ve been sure of is the value of time and losing people so quickly and frequently no matter how much it hurt made me vow to never hold grudges or love recklessly. I’ve always had discernment in that way and as I saw more of my friends getting their heart's broken, I couldn’t bare to think I waited so long just to get “played”.
I’ve always had many homeboys and I’ve NEVER EVER slept with any of them or even anybody I went to school or worked with. A couple I had crushes on, but they made sure to never cross that line with me while still managing to show me love even when they dogged other girls—which I would get mad at them about. I would be like don’t have me around your side chicks when you got a girlfriend then have me be cool with your girlfriend. I used to feel like shit having “my bros backs” at times because they would do some dog ass trifling shit to women— Black Women regardless of how cute, mixed, and “Popping”. If they didn’t command respect in their essence, they got PLAYED and I felt sorry for them for being so desperate for a man that they settled for guys who dogged them.
About 3 years ago, I saw this picture and it captivated me because I saw the personification of the Proverbs scripture and true alignment. I believe a real queen who loves herself and does the work has the ability to attract her “King”. The scripture, however, says “A man that finds a wife...” because if you find a solid woman to hold you down— the man is the blessed one. Everybody jokes of asking about Ciara’s prayer when they need to be looking for Russels— okay. I feel like that’s why God lead me to stick with a series like The Commandments of Womanhood to uplift my sisters into ascending and attracting Kings. It also was created to help them be secure in knowing that even if Prince Charming never shows they are still AMAZING.
My dad wrote and sung his song “Good thing” to my mom as she walked down the aisle because he was blessed after all the lonely years to FINALLY find “The ultimate soul fated love”. I never heard about my parents dating growing up, but I do always remember the story of his proposal. My dad was a hairstylist and he used to do my mom’s hair. Her hard-headed butt tried to do something fancy and made her hair fall out and he customized the wig she wore on their wedding day. Back to the proposal though— my mom used to recount him proposing to her in the sink while shampooing her hair. My friends now even say that a King that loves you and washes your hair regardless of texture, bald spots, or length is a Real ONE! This leads me to believe that when a guy finally finds the right one he doesn’t need a longgggg time to propose. He can drag one girl along for 10 years and then meet a new girl in one week that he’s ready to step up and be the best for. That brings me to this realization that many may not want to hear, but I’ll say it anyway... if he loves you “he doesn’t need long to decide”... That king will be looking for rings that DAY if you solid enough and he can see himself really “building” with you.
Thinking back to losing my virginity at 22, I kind've laugh because I was in such a rush to stop being the only one so my “friends” could shut up... Guys that I met would literally say you should wait you’re a good girl and I’d be PISSED because I’d want to get it popping. 🥴😂 They found the value in me and affirmed what I had been taught from an early age even when I seemed to forget. Even when I think about the guy I entertained for the longest out of anybody, I recollect to when I almost lost it to him and it literally would not go in like God conspired with my dad to get me a spiritual chastity belt on my “privacy” as I would call my vagina as a child. I was so pissed and instead of getting mad, he asked if he could just spend the night and hold me. I remember feeling so awkward “cuddling” because I was a guarded Tomboy. I was never really affectionate especially after my dad died. If I loved you I’d hug you occasionally, but I wouldn’t be super lovey-dovey. He was so sweet though and we just kissed while falling asleep next to each other.
I wanted to lose my virginity so bad because one I didn’t want to die a virgin and two I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live much longer so I wanted to at least experience what everybody was raving about... When I finally managed to lose it to this random guy I met on POF, I didn't even tell him I was a virgin beforehand. To be quite honest, I wasn’t even really attracted to him, but after wayyyy too many chill encounters with guys who’d rather talk to me all night than hook up because I was a “good” girl I was just like "fuck it" he'll do. I don’t regret my first who ended up being a one night stand that extended its stay to a redo weeks later after him pleading to redeem himself. After the temporary high wore off no longer being the “only virgin” wherever I went, I didn’t feel shit. I tried having intercourse two more times and just decided it was overrated if I wasn’t into them and became abstinent which I’ve been for the last nearly five years(in July). A real nigga did, however, slip once or twice and get some head, but then one of my close “friends” made me feel so bad like I was a whore so I just stopped everything because I was so serious with my walk with God. Now, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed a guy.
When I lost my virginity I didn’t even tell my “closest friend” at the time immediately because she spent most of our childhood and adulthood trying to make me feel bad about myself. Everything always had to be a competition and it was stupid because I love my friends so why should I have to race against them? That’s not friendship nor what I wanted to keep being in a cycle of having around me. I remember actually texting my older coworker and assistant manager at Sprint right after I had sex who was about 35 that I secretly wanted to be my first because I liked him so much and felt like we had great chemistry... We never even kissed, but he was so fine and nice to me. He was considered “selfish” by our coworkers, but he’d train me for free, give me rides home, and buy me lunch. He always had my back and so did most of the guys in my life especially when I worked at Sprint in Ladera heights. My guy coworkers were so impressed when they found out I was a virgin after the homegirl blew my shit up. I was embarrassed though. My mom took pride in waiting till marriage and I used to feel like she boasted too much. My coworker and I were so close that even though he felt weird the next day when he realized I was telling him I had sex for the first time, he still didn’t embarrass me for crossing that line while my “best friend” at the time did when I told her after she’d been hounding me for years to lose it. It was like she got pleasure in making my moment feel like shit because I waited to tell her so I could process. She said she didn’t want to hear the details after I had to endure yearssssss of her hoe tales and I was so sad, but tried to act like I wasn’t. I didn’t have a wise woman who I trusted to talk about it with so once again like the deaths of my parents I held it in...
I write this post to say to someone who is wanting so badly to get married because everyone seems paired off that God hasn’t forgotten about you. Don’t let the internet, peer pressure, or religion rush or scare you into waiting or not. You aren’t missing out and although I feel like being a phenomenal wife/mother is apart of my destiny...if God decides I’m meant to just be alone, I’ve finally made peace with that. Many of my closest friends have gotten to experience everything that I’ve always wanted and I have never felt envious of them. Sometimes I would feel a little sad when they’d bring up wishing I had someone, but I have never been a jealous friend. I talk with them if they are having relationship or marriage issues and I pray over their unions. I know that if who God revealed to me is, in fact, my husband and the real deal then he’ll find me because I’m the “Gift” so he would have to level up to attract me. I’ve always been so shy approaching guys because I don’t like the feeling of rejection. I don’t think anybody likes feeling played, but sometimes you take a risk with love. One thing that I will ask of my single ladies who want the “family” is to trust God with your heart. Don’t rush God’s timing like my siSTAR Dyme and my Dad used to tell me. God knows better than us what we NEED over what we want so rip up the lists and affirmations ladies... START WITH SELF LOVE AND DO YOUR WORK IN HEALING so that singleness won’t make you feel “uncomfortable” and forgotten.
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